


a win-win proposition

by achilleees



Series: five/diego UST+seduction first time fics (the best niche genre) [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Asexuality Spectrum, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 05:22:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18329465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achilleees/pseuds/achilleees
Summary: “I think we should have bad sex,” said Five.





	a win-win proposition

**Author's Note:**

> five is aged up here, think late teens but undefined because how can you tell really? even he doesn't know how old he is.
> 
> as for many TUA fics, assume the apocalypse was diverted and they're back in their normal time, handwave all the plot that gets them to that point, whatevs, everything is great. ben's still dead though. sorry bby.

“I think we should have bad sex,” said Five, from Diego’s bed.

Five hadn’t been in his room when he’d climbed through the window, but the little bastard had not come around to the ‘don’t just teleport into our rooms without warning’ lesson, no matter how many family meetings they called about it.

By this point, Diego was too exhausted to lecture.

“You wanna run that by me again, chief?” he said, sitting heavily in a chair and untying his boots.

“I think we should have bad sex.”

“So I did hear it right the first time,” said Diego. “And yet it’s still insane.”

“It’s not insane,” Five said.

Diego sighed, pulling off his boots and lobbing them in the corner. With Klaus, sometimes if you feigned indifference long enough, he’d get bored and move on. No attention span.

That never worked with Five, he remembered.

“Alright, I’ll bite. What the fuck are you talking about?”

Five sat up, watching him with those dark, unsettling eyes. “Sometimes I get… urges.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Diego said. “Do you need the birds and the bees lecture again? I can call Mom in here.”

“Shut up,” Five said. “Sometimes I get these urges, and then I act on them, and the sex is terrible and then I can move on with my life.”

Diego looked at him. “So that’s your new post-apocalyptic hobby? Going around having shit sex with randos? Have you thought about, I don’t know, pottery?”

“Would you shut up?” Five bit out. “You’re worse than Klaus.”

Diego, despite himself, felt a little offended that Five had gone to Klaus first. The idea of Five asking Klaus for shit sex made his jaw clench, motions tight as he undid the snaps of his knife harness.

Five didn’t miss his reaction, judging by the half-smile that flickered over his lips. “Klaus in general,” he said. “Not related to bad sex.”

Now Diego just felt like an idiot. “I’m still not getting the connection, man.”

Five sighed. “I always forget how thick you are.”

Diego growled at him.

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it,” Five said frankly. “It’s annoying, and a distraction, and I want to just get it over with so I can move on from this.”

“Sex? Because, novel concept, there are better ways to –” Diego started.

“Sex with you,” said Five.

Diego’s breath hitched.

“I think it’s your hands,” Five said matter-of-factly, looking down at them. “Or possibly the knives, or the scar, or maybe the whole combination.”

Diego tried to ignore the curl of warmth those words sent through him. Game face, Diego. “So you think if we have bad sex, you’ll get over this little…”

“Fascination,” Five completed for him. “Yes. It’s always worked that way before.”

“Have you ever considered that you’re just having sex with people who are bad at sex?” Diego asked. He stood up, trying to get his knife harness over his head and hissing through his teeth when it strained the bruise on his ribs.

Five teleported over and helped him lift off the harness. He shook his head. “It’s not them, it’s me,” he said, tight with frustration. “I can’t get into it, I just – I don’t feel anything. There’s a disconnect between my brain and my body. I’m just _bored_ the whole time.”

“Wow, you’re making this sound so fucking enticing for me,” Diego said. “Me, fucking you while you lie there like a –” _Don’t say mannequin, don’t say mannequin,_ “corpse.”

Five shrugged. “You can still fuck me even if I’m not into it. I won’t mind.”

Diego, marveling, cupped Five’s face in both hands and said clearly, “You are a crazy person and you need help.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Five said, bored of the _Have you thought about therapy_ discussion after the twentieth time it had been brought up. “So you’re saying I haven’t provided you with enough incentive.”

“I’m saying the prospect of having bad sex with my teenage brother is not as appealing as you seem to think it is,” Diego said.

“Hm,” Five said. “I didn’t consider that.”

“You can be kind of thick sometimes,” Diego said.

Five shot him an annoyed look and teleported out of his room.

That had actually gone better than Diego thought it would.

 

Of course, Diego _was_ thick, because he’d somehow forgotten what a determined little shit Five was.

Diego didn’t come back to the Academy for another three days, which wasn’t rare for him. He still preferred his room in the boxing gym, liked being able to come and go as he pleased, answer to no one. Liked being _alone,_ importantly.

But on days when his nighttime jaunts took him close to the Academy, he sometimes just said fuck it and climbed in the window, slept in his old bed and let Grace make him pancakes in the morning. He would catch up with his siblings for a few hours – shoot the shit with Klaus, bicker with Luther, check in with Five, let them catch him up on how Vanya and Allison were doing.

On this day, he snuck back in around two in the morning, smiling a little at how familiar it felt. Bringing him back those 13 years, like he was still a skinny kid with a raging authority complex and no outlet for the anger that churned inside.

He went to grab a clean towel from the linen closet, rubbing it roughly over his rain-slicked hair as he went back to his room.

And there was Five, sitting on his bed.

Diego sighed. “You fine-tuned your pitch, I take it.” He should never have gotten complacent.

“I came up with your incentive,” Five said.

“Seriously, have you thought about getting a hobby? With your level of manic focus when you want something, I think you’d be really good at, like, tennis. Trading stocks. Taking over the world.”

Five ignored him, because, again, the Klaus tactics did not work on him. “I’m distressed by this. You’re the only person who could help me through it.”

Diego went quiet.

Five had him pinned, he knew. Five knew him inside and out, he was well-aware of all of Diego’s own deep-seated issues, he knew exactly how to get his fingers into the wirings of Diego’s brain and _tug_.

Diego liked being needed. Liked taking care of people. Could not, now or ever, leave his siblings upset when there was something he could do about it.

“It’s really that important to you?” he said, because of course Five was manipulating him, but he wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t mean it.

Five worked his jaw for a moment. His voice was _too_ even when he replied, “It’s driving me to distraction.”

Diego bit the inside of his cheek.

“Sometimes it’s all I can think about,” Five said.

 _Christ_. “Okay, let’s pretend I’m entertaining this completely batshit idea for a second. Have you ever considered the idea that it wouldn’t be bad sex?”

Five blinked at him.

“That we might actually have good sex?” Diego said, sighing.

“I’m not worried,” Five said.

“As flattering as that is,” Diego said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Humor me.”

“Then I get to have good sex for the first time in my life,” Five said. “I’m not seeing a downside.”

“ _With your brother,_ ” said Diego.

Five shrugged. “At least then I’ll know it’s possible and that I’m not just fundamentally incapable. Isn’t that still important for me to know?”

Diego sighed again. Not even Klaus was this exhausting. It was, he admitted, a good point. “I still think this is a bad idea,” he said.

Five lit up. “So you’ll do it?”

“So I’ll think about it,” Diego said firmly. “Don’t get too excited.”

“I still think it will be bad, if that makes it any better,” Five said.

“It doesn’t,” grumbled Diego.

 

The problem was, Diego decided, Five was thinking about this as a win-win, and Diego was thinking about this as a lose-lose.

In Five’s mind, either they had terrible sex and he could move past it forever, or he got to have great sex for once in his life. In Diego’s mind, either he had terrible awkward sex with his teenage brother and had to live with that for the rest of his life, or he had great sex with his _teenage brother_ and had to live with _that_ for the rest of his life. Neither one appealing.

Five clearly wasn’t actually considering the notion that the sex would be good, having already decided that Diego was going to fuck him perfunctorily while he lay there like a dead fish. Call him arrogant, but Diego was pretty sure he could give Five the ride of his life.

So maybe that was the key. Show Five that he wasn’t incapable of getting into it without actually having sex. If Diego just lit him up a little, got his engine revving, then he’d know for a fact that he wasn’t _fundamentally incapable_ , and they wouldn’t need to have sex to prove it, and then they could move on and pretend none of it had ever happened.

It wasn’t the best plan ever, but it was better than any alternative, he thought.

 

He came downstairs in the morning and found Five and Luther already eating breakfast, Grace bustling around at the stove. Perfect.

“Hey,” Luther said, nodding at him.

“Good morning, Diego,” Grace sang out. “Would you like some breakfast?”

“Yeah, thanks, Mom,” Diego said, smiling at her.

Grace beamed back.

Five was lifting his coffee to his mouth when Diego passed behind him to grab the orange juice from the fridge, but he froze in place when Diego skimmed a hand over the back of his neck, fingers just making the lightest contact before drawing away.

After a still moment, Five set the coffee back down on the table, the mug clattering slightly from his unsteady hands.

This was going to be easier than he expected, Diego thought.

 

He left after breakfast and came back the next day in the afternoon, amused to find Five in the same place at the kitchen table. He was working on an assignment for one of his classes, because even genius former superheroes needed college degrees to be taken seriously.

Behind him, Vanya was fixing herself some coffee. She smiled at him. “Hey, Diego.”

“Hey,” Diego said. “What’s the haps?”

“All good in the hood,” Vanya said, which was so adorable coming from her Diego almost couldn’t resist the urge to pinch her cheek.

“Excellent,” he said. “I take it the polite thing to do would be to ask you about your… orchestra whatever?”

“I mean, yes, but I think at this point I would be very confused if you started doing things because they were polite,” Vanya said.

“Fair,” Diego said. “I can keep being mean?”

“There’s probably a happy medium,” Vanya said, but she was laughing, taking it as the joke it was.

Diego leaned against the back of Five’s chair and looked over his shoulder at his work, which turned out to be head-swimmingly complex calculus. “I don’t even know what half of those symbols mean.”

“And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one,” Five deadpanned. “Oh, wait, no. I didn’t.”

“Dick,” Diego said, and he leaned in and nipped at the shell of Five’s ear with his canine.

Five gave a sharp, bitten-off gasp.

“You okay?” Vanya said, turning around.

“Paper cut,” said Diego.

“Yeah,” said Five, strained. “I’m fine.”

 

Later, Five found Diego and Klaus talking in the living room. Diego had his legs kicked up on the coffee table, while Grace polished the silver on the sofa next to him, her feet tucked daintily under her.

“And then you just rrrip it off in one go, and presto, better than Nair,” Klaus was saying. “And it makes your nether regions smell like chocolate – added bonus!”

“The amount I did not ask,” Diego said.

“He’s told me this story before,” Five said, taking the seat next to Klaus. “If you can believe it, I didn’t ask either.”

“I believe it,” Diego said. He let his legs fall in a wider sprawl, dropping his hand to rest on his inner thigh.

Five watched him, immediately drawn. There was something intoxicating about being the object of his focus, Diego had to admit. Those dark, penetrating eyes.

“Oh, because your conversation starter of _How’s it going_ was so helpful,” Klaus said. “You should be grateful I’m such a conversational gem, because I’m picking up a lot of slack for you, jagweed.”

“Klaus,” said Grace reprovingly.

“Sorry Mom,” Klaus said with a bright smile. “I’m picking up a lot of slack for you, _darling_.”

“Better,” said Grace, smiling.

“Is it?” Diego said, making a face.

“You need to spend more time around other people besides those meatheads at your gym,” Klaus said. “And before you say, petty criminals don’t count either.”

“I’m a great conversationalist,” said Diego, absently using his thumb to crack the knuckles of the same hand.

“Yeah?” Klaus said. “I’m gonna need some proof on that, sweetie-poo.”

Five really was caught on his hands, Diego realized, and he dug out his sharpening stone and one of his longer knives. He started to sharpen it with long, even strokes. “I’m thinking about getting a cat.”

“You?” said Klaus. “Fantastic, you needed that last little touch to finish off your shtick as crazy hermit living under a bridge.”

“Pretty sure that’s Five’s shtick,” said Diego.

“Five doesn’t need a cat for that, he’s already got Delores,” said Klaus. “You only need one symbol of crippling isolation to complete the look.”

“I can and will kill you,” Five said, but it was perfunctory at best, none of his normal vitriol in his voice. His gaze was rapt, and he was leaning forward in his seat a little, intense – the way he normally only got about the apocalypse.

Diego slowed his strokes even more, adding a flick to his wrist at the end of each one. “Just sounds nice, you know. Having something cute and fluffy waiting for me when I get home.”

Five glared at him.

“You seem like more of a dog person, honestly,” Klaus said. “I can see you with, like, a pit bull or a German Shepherd. Cinnamon roll style.”

“What?”

“Looks like it can kill you, but it’s a cinnamon roll,” Klaus said, like it was obvious. “Just like you, snuggle-bottom.”

“Your nicknames are getting weirder,” Diego said. “Honestly, I’m not home enough for a dog. I need a pet that’s independent, does its own things without me.” The knife made a satisfying swishing sound against the stone with every pass.

He hadn’t meant the cat to be a metaphor for Five, but it definitely was, he realized in retrospect. Huh.

“Makes sense,” said Klaus. “If you’re factoring your lifestyle into consideration, you may want to aim lower, though. Like. A fish? Or maybe a rock?”

Diego rolled his eyes at him.

“A Chia pet!” Klaus said. “ _Shaped_ like a cat. Best of all worlds.”

“Have you ever thought that you’re the trash conversationalist here, man?” Diego said. “Because I’m pretty sure half the shit that comes out of your mouth is just to hear yourself talk.”

Klaus grinned. “No Chia pet. Got it. Cross that one off the Christmas gift idea list.”

“Aw, that’s sweet, you’re thinking of me,” Diego said. “What about you, Five?”

Five startled, ripping his eyes from Diego’s hands. “What?”

“What do you want for Christmas? Anything I can get you?” Diego said, punctuating this with the slowest, longest stroke of the knife yet.

Five scowled and vanished in thin air.

“That kid is so fucking weird,” Klaus said.

“Language, Klaus,” Grace said.

“Sorry, Mom,” said Klaus, smiling.

 

Diego left for the day, but he came back the next evening just before dinner. “Diego,” Grace said, pleased. “Should I set a place for you?”

“Please,” Diego said, smiling at her.

“Wow, three times in three days,” Luther commented. “Should we be worried? I assume there’s a mafia hitman staking out your place at the gym.”

“Like I couldn’t take out a mafia hitman,” Diego said. He counted the place settings at the table. “Vanya coming tonight?”

“No, she’s busy, but Allison’s in town,” said Luther.

“Oh, nice,” Diego said. “So how are the dorks at NASA? Any big news? Is the sun dying? Do we need to nuke it to kick-start it?”

“What?” Luther said, perplexed. “That’s not a thing.”

“Clearly you have never seen Sunshine,” Diego said.

“I thought that was the Core,” said Allison, coming into the kitchen behind him.

“No, in that one we have to nuke the core of the earth to restart the rotation,” Diego said.

“Please tell me you’re making this up,” said Luther, pained. “Please tell me no one green-lit those movies.”

“Oh, just wait until I tell you about Armageddon,” Diego said, grinning.

Five appeared suddenly in his normal seat. He glanced around. “Why does Luther look like he’s going to punch someone?”

“Don’t ask, it will piss you off too much,” Allison said. “Bad sci-fi movies.”

“Oh, god,” Five said. “You’re right, I don’t want to know.”

Allison started to move towards the seat next to Five, but Diego slid into it before she could reach. She just shrugged and moved to a different one. Diego pretended not to notice the way Five’s spine had gone ramrod straight.

He didn’t do anything for about half the meal, though, content to listen to Allison catch them up on her life in California, Klaus interjecting with his normal bullshit and Luther interjecting with normal person conversation.

Then, when the set of Five’s spine indicated he had let down his guard, Diego spread his hand over Five’s thigh.

Five’s breath hitched and he shot Diego a sidelong glare, to which Diego just smiled genially back. If they were eating at the dining room table, he would never have risked it, but they were packed in tightly enough at the kitchen table that no one would notice the position of Diego’s arm.

Then Five’s gaze went determined and he spread his legs a little, a clear invitation for Diego to continue, to move his hand higher.

But he didn’t. He just left his hand right where it was, light pressure, feeling the heat of Five’s skin through his slacks.

He could have moved his hand up and ground his palm into Five’s cock, but that wasn’t the point of this. He wanted Five’s mind doing more of the work than his body – wanted him hyperconscious of the contact, tantalized by the proximity of Diego’s hand. He wanted Five aware of the press of every individual finger against him. He wanted him unable to think of anything else.

“Diego!” Allison said. From the tone of her voice, it wasn’t the first time.

Diego started. “Huh?”

“Can you make it?”

“Make it where?” he said, blinking.

Allison sighed. “I’m going to be in Philadelphia for a shoot next week, I was hoping you could all join me for the day. Just to hang out.”

“Sure,” Diego said. “I can make it. What about you, Five? Can you make it?”

“Absolutely,” Five said with that sharp smile. “Anytime, anyplace.”

“Weird answer, but okay,” said Allison. “Good!”

“Great,” Five said, prying Diego’s wrist away with his deceptively strong fingers.

“Dandy,” said Diego, smiling brightly.

 

Diego took care not to get caught alone by Five, who was starting to get a little wild-eyed anytime Diego drew too close. This meant spending more time around his other siblings than normal, which… wasn’t terrible, except that they all sucked at normal conversation in their own ways.

At the moment, Klaus and Vanya were having a disturbingly graphic conversation about true crime documentaries, while Luther pretended not to be grossed out as he read a book by the window.

When Five walked in, Vanya nodded at him, Klaus waved, and Diego smiled at him and ran his thumb slowly over his lower lip.

Five’s eyes narrowed and he came over, settling against the couch behind Diego and leaning over. He traced his finger over Diego’s facial scar. “Where’d you get it?” he asked, voice light. “I’ve been wondering.”

Diego grinned at him upside-down. It would take more than light face touches to shake him. “Might have picked a fight with the wrong guy. Guys.”

“Does it bother you?”

Diego shrugged. “Girls like it,” he said.

“I will never understand what girls find attractive,” Luther said.

“I mean, we’re not all one monolithic mass,” Vanya said, breaking off her conversation with Klaus. “Different girls like different things.”

“Or even, the same girls like different things from different guys,” Diego said. “In my experience, girls like being talked to in Spanish while I finger them on the dance floor in clubs. You could try it, but I don’t think it would work as well.”

Luther choked. “You don’t… actually finger girls in clubs, right?”

Diego grinned.

“Either you’re a liar or you’re disgusting,” Luther said, making a face. “I’m not sure which is better.”

“Klaus, back me up,” Diego said.

Klaus shrugged expressively. “I mean, I’ve eaten guys’ asses in clubs before, so fingering is –”

“Oh, god,” Vanya said, leaning back like she was worried about catching something just by being that close to Klaus.

“You’re lying,” Luther said, sounding desperate to believe it.

“Do you really finger girls in clubs?” Five asked. Diego wasn’t sure what the tone of his voice indicated. He could have been either annoyed or fascinated.

Diego smiled slowly at him with half his mouth.

“…Why?” Five asked.

“Dancing’s hot,” Diego said, thinking about it. “You’re pressed up against a girl and she can feel your dick against her and she gets hot knowing she’s getting you hot – and then you get her off in public, which gets her even hotter.”

“The illicit thrill,” Klaus agreed. He lit up. “We should go clubbing! This time Luther can be, like, less _egregiously_ high.”

“What do you say, Five?” Diego said. “Wanna come dancing with us?” He slung his arm over the back of the couch where none of the rest could see and slipped it up Five’s shirt, just sliding his fingers over the strip of skin above the band of his slacks.

He’d never actually felt anyone teleport out of his grasp before, so that was pretty cool.

“I think that’s a no,” said Vanya.

 

He went back to his own place to sleep that night, so his guard was down when he entered the boiler room and shut the door behind him.

He turned around, and immediately found two hands twisting in his shirt and slamming him back against the door. “This isn’t _fair_ ,” Five said, expression twisted with fury.

“Whoa,” Diego said, taking this in. He curled his hands around Five’s wrists. “Hey, hey, what…?”

“You’re _teasing_ me,” Five said. “I’m not going to force you to fuck me if you don’t want to, but leading me on like this is _such unbelievable bullshit_ , you son of a bitch.”

Oh, so. Yeah, that was another interpretation of what he was doing. “Do you believe me now?” Diego said, calmly. “That we would have good sex?”

“Is that what this is about?” Five said, surprised. “I thought you just got off on being withholding.”

“Yeah, I’m not Lucille Bluth,” Diego said.

Five stared at him.

Right, not one of the pop-culture savvy members of the fam. “I wanted to show you that you’re having bad sex because you’re not attracted to the other person. Some people are like that – they only enjoy the sex when they have real, intimate attraction to their partner.”

Five’s hands loosened on his shirt, and Diego gently pried them off entirely. “I know you could have good sex, Five. You just need to find someone who you want to have sex with, not just someone to have sex with. That’s the part where the physical and the mental aspects align.”

“Oh,” said Five. “So all the touching, and the teasing, you were…”

“If some random stranger touched you like that, it wouldn’t have worked the same way, right?” Diego said. “If Luther told you he liked to finger girls in clubs –”

Five made a revolted face.

“That’s what I’m telling you,” Diego said patiently. “It’s about the person, not the act.”

Five bit his lip. “So I just need to find…”

“The right person,” Diego said.

“Great,” Five said, and he grabbed Diego again.

In a half second, the world _clenched_ around him, like a vise had grabbed his whole body and squeezed, and then he found himself tumbled back on his own bed across the room, Five settled on top of him.

“Found him,” said Five, grinning.

 

Okay, in retrospect, Diego probably should have seen this coming.

“Five, Five,” he said, grabbing for Five’s hands again. It felt like the little bastard had six of them – Diego couldn’t contain them, one of them delving up his shirt and another gripping the front of his pants and another twisting his nipple ring and _how did he have so many hands_.

It was possible Diego was losing his mind a little.

“But – the whole point –”

“I understand your point and I’m ignoring it,” Five said, quite calmly for someone who was looking at him with that wild expression. “You’re going to fuck me. You don’t get to tease me like that all week and not fuck me, Diego. It doesn’t work like that.” He ground down purposefully against Diego’s groin.

Diego choked on a gasp, hips bucking against all directives from his brain. “I was showing you –”

“You showed me perfectly,” Five said. “You showed me that I want your dick, and if the sex turns out to be fantastic, then oh well, too bad, that’s just a cross I’m going to have to bear.” He unsnapped Diego’s pants and worked down his fly while Diego was still processing this.

“Five, come on,” Diego managed, dizzy and turned on out of his fucking mind. “Think about this for a second.”

“I’ve _been_ thinking about it, Diego,” Five growled. “I told you, I haven’t thought about anything else for weeks. Let me take your cock, I _need_ it.” He grabbed at the bulge in Diego’s boxer briefs like he was starving for it.

How the fuck was Diego supposed to resist that? He couldn’t even remember why he was trying to.

“Okay, okay,” he said, and then he got his arms around Five and flipped them in one smooth roll, landing Five on his back on the mattress.

Five’s breath punched out of him, and he stared up at Diego with those devastating dark eyes.

“If you think you’re taking the lead, kiddo, you’re out of your damn mind,” Diego said, shucking Five’s shirt up under his armpits and leaning in to bite at his nipple.

Five made a sound of pure worship, and Diego grinned.

 

“More, I’m ready, do it,” Five said, latching his ankle around the back of Diego’s thigh and trying to drag him forward. “You dick, put it in me.”

“Oh, no no, sweetheart,” Diego said. “You can try that controlling shit with anyone else, but with me? You get what you came for.” He twisted his fingers and made Five give that beautiful full-body shudder again.

Five really was so goddamn beautiful like this – flushed, needy, hair curling with sweat. Wrecking him like that, tearing down that cool composure and getting him so hot and bothered… It was like nothing Diego had ever imagined.

“Diego,” Five whined, “come on come on come _on_ , do it, I want it.” He dug his fingers into Diego’s hair and yanked, which – _hot_.

Diego moaned, looking up at Five with what was undoubtedly a rather feral expression himself. “But hm, I’m not sure… Do you really want it?”

“You’re such a _dick_ , you know I do,” Five said, undulating his hips, trying to force Diego’s fingers deeper. “Please –!”

“Oh, well, since you said please,” Diego said, pulling out his fingers.

Five looked at him in open-mouthed outrage. “Have you been waiting for…? What is wrong with you?” He punched Diego’s shoulder.

“You’re really bad at playing the sexy ingenue,” Diego told him, even as he rolled on a condom. He couldn’t help but find Five’s brattiness adorable. “You’re supposed to be batting your eyelashes and telling me you’ve never seen one this big before.”

“I haven’t,” Five said matter-of-factly.

“See, like that,” Diego said. He knelt between Five’s legs and lifted his hips so he was spread out over Diego’s thighs, his shoulders the only point of contact with the bed. “Lead with that next time.”

“You’re such a prick,” Five said, glaring at him.

“You’re such a brat,” Diego told him, grinning back.

Five huffed. “Just put the damn thing in me.” He latched his heels behind Diego’s back. “Now.”

Diego leaned in, taking his cock in his hand and brushing it against Five’s ass. “Hmm…”

“Oh, what now?” Five said, making a face.

“I just want to hear you say you were wrong,” Diego said.

Five dug into his shoulders with his fingernails. “About what?” he said through his gritted teeth.

“About how the sex was going to be so terrible,” Diego said. He smiled crookedly. “How bored you were going to be the whole time.”

“Diego I swear to god if you don’t –”

Diego pushed forward so the head popped in, and Five went gratifyingly silent, mouth dropping open and head pushing back into the pillow.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “Thought so.”

 

“Oh – my – god,” Five said, as Diego fucked him. “Oh my _god_.”

Diego had never heard Five sound so much like a teenager before, which probably shouldn’t have turned him on as much as it did. There was just something about dismantling him, stripping away the reservation to reach the wanton, needy boy underneath…

“Yeah, sweetheart,” he said, Five’s legs hooked over his arms, holding him open while Diego pounded him into the mattress. “This is what it’s supposed to be like.”

“It’s so good, oh my god,” Five said again, then made a whining noise at his own lack of coherence and grabbed for Diego’s clean hand, bringing it to his mouth and clamping his teeth hard around three of his fingers.

Small surprise Five wouldn’t love losing his composure as much as Diego did, but Diego wasn’t going to stop him from silencing himself. He didn’t want Five uncomfortable – wanted him to _love_ this, to know how good sex could be. If using Diego’s fingers as a makeshift gag gave him that comfort, let him take it.

Besides, it was totally fucking hot. Five was all glassy-eyed and hazy looking, spit leaking out around Diego’s fingers in his mouth and painting his chin. He was _vibrating_ around his cock, which Diego couldn’t even handle.

“God, sweetheart, you’re unreal, feel so fucking good,” Diego said, voice low as he drove deep into Five with every stroke. “You want to know a secret?”

Five looked up at him and made a questioning noise around his fingers, grabbing at Diego’s bicep and gripping tightly.

Diego leaned in and said, “Sex isn’t usually this good for me either. You make me feel fucking insane. I need to come so badly, Five.”

Five whimpered, hips jumping up arrhythmically, lost in his need. His cock was an angry red, leaking over his stomach. Diego would have reached for it, but he couldn’t spare a hand with Five sucking on one of them and the other planted on the mattress for leverage.

“Touch yourself, sweetheart, want to see you get yourself off, feel you come around my cock – you’re gonna go so tight, make me come so hard,” Diego said in that same low, conspiratorial tone. “Jerk yourself off, Five, the way you do at home when you’re thinking about me.”

Five grabbed for his cock and managed exactly two strokes before he was arching up and crying out around Diego’s fingers, striping both their chests in his come.

“So pretty, Five,” Diego said, and before Five had even finished coming, Diego bent him practically in half beneath him and fucked into him hard, three more thrusts before he was succumbing to the tight clutch of him and spilling deep inside him.

Five was – well, he wasn’t crying, but his eyes were shiny-wet with tears and as Diego moved up to kiss him, one of them slipped free and trickled down.

Diego detoured, licking the salty trail off his skin before returning to his mouth to sip greedy kisses from it while Five panted breathlessly into the space between them. His slender chest was heaving, still blotchily flushed.

“Ohh,” Five said, almost purring. “So…”

Diego grinned, pulling out gently and letting Five stretch out loose on the mattress. He propped himself up on one arm. “Yeah, that’s what all the fuss is about.”

“I didn’t say that,” Five said, smirking.

Diego smacked his chest before leaning in to kiss him again.

 

Diego stretched his shoulders as he entered the boiler room, feeling a tightness to them that meant he needed to head to Chinatown to get them to do that crazy cupping thing that worked better than any amount of massages ever had.

Despite that, he was feeling good, loose and relaxed in the comedown of the endorphin rush that could only come from kicking criminal ass. He was whistling as he locked the door behind him.

“Well, don’t you sound happy,” Five deadpanned from where he was reading some massive tome on Diego’s bed.

“I’m always happy,” Diego said.

Five snorted.

“I’m a fucking Disney princess on cocaine,” Diego said, undoing his harness and slipping it off. He stripped off his outermost layer, leaving him in a tank top. “I’m Spongebob on Prozac.”

“Is this what getting laid does to you?” Five asked, arching an eyebrow at him.

“This,” said Diego, “is what having something cute and fluffy waiting for me at home does to me.”

Five hissed at him. It was unclear if he was going along with the joke, or actually just hissing at Diego.

“Here, eat,” Diego said, tossing him a paper bag. “I passed that Indian street cart you like.”

Five happily dug out the samosas and started nibbling on one while he finished his reading.

Diego sat down to take off his boots, then he leaned back and watched Five for a minute, feeling soft at Five’s total focus, the little furrow that formed between his eyebrows as he read.

“Stop staring, it’s weird,” Five said after a minute, not looking up.

Diego laughed and came over, kneeling on the bed and drawing away Five’s book, despite his grasping hands.

“I’m reading that,” Five protested.

“Shhh,” Diego said, and kissed him until he stopped grabbing for the book and started melting underneath him instead.

On his back, Five glared up at Diego. “You’re a menace.”

“I warned you that seducing me was a bad idea,” Diego said, tapping his nose and dropping the book back in his lap. “If I recall, you’re the one who pushed it.”

“You didn’t warn me _how_ it was a bad idea,” Five said, sitting up and brushing back his hair, looking flustered. “You didn’t say, no, Five, you have no idea what you would be signing up for, as I am a massive horndog who can’t keep it in my pants for five minutes when you’re sitting there all sexy _reading a fucking book_.”

Diego knew that Five would have gone back to the Academy if he’d really minded, so he just grinned and rolled to his feet. “Fried rice good for you?”

“Yeah,” Five said, settling back in with his book.

Diego heated some oil in a pan with some random dashes of onion flakes and garlic powder, digging around in his fridge for leftover rice and whatever vegetables he happened to have. When he straightened up, he said, “Stop staring, it’s weird.”

“Fuck off,” Five said, his smile audible in his voice.


End file.
